Born into a typical family. We were what was known as the nuclear family or the million dollar family. Dad worked long hours while Mom stayed home and raised the kiddies until she too went off to work. We were the normal, typical, average family. So why did I never feel like I fit into this box? My family loved me, there was never a question of this. It was me, I always felt a bit off. I knew biology was never a question, I carry traits of both my biological parents. So why did/do I still question why I seem to march to my own drum???
Growing up school was always easy for me. I was considered smart and often found myself bored. I was socially acceptable fitting into most groups at school and leaning towards what we called jocks at the time. I played sports, it was the only thing that really quieted my ever busy brain. Over the years I learned to get through socially, often imitating and regurgitating behaviours that seemed to be appreciated in others. I watched my brother in high school so effortlessly make friends and mingle with his peers as though they had been friends all their lives. I often felt like maintaining friends was a bit of a chore.
As I moved through the years I often found myself picking the lone wolf for partners. Or as I would say now that I am wiser, I chose the duds. They all seemed to have one thing in common. They all needed fixing. I think back now and realize that I picked these partners because I didn’t feel secure or strong enough to fix myself. This is likely what brought me to my career in nursing. Here is when I seemed to find a group of people that seemed to get me. Nurses are often empaths that want to fix people and often times I noticed they too couldn’t figure out how to “fix” themselves. I’m not going to say all nurses were like this, but I will tell you many really are.
Today I have found myself in a unique blended situation. My partner has 2 children from a previous marriage and I have 2 children from a previous marriage. Blended families can be difficult and we have tackled our problems as a pretty good team. I won’t say my partner is perfect, but he is a good man. He does put up with me with my ups and downs. He is the first man in my life that doesn’t make me feel like I’m odd or unusual and God love him, no matter how awful I feel about myself he loves me and tells me I am beautiful everyday.
I am learning that I am deserving of love.
I am learning that it’s ok to be different.
I am learning to allow myself grace.
I think I am ok being me.
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